My name is Jules and I’m an antihistamine abuser.  There, I said it.  And before you scoff, let me tell you that Piriton is not given the class A attention it deserves.  This stuff is knockout and I mean, literally.

It came to my attention, a few years back after a summer sneezing issue, that this stuff is the best sleeping aid ever.  Just two spoonfuls of this delicious nectar before bedtime and I am solid gone. Upon awaking, I feel a bit foggy from its after effects but then since I usually feel like that 90% of the time, it isn’t really a problem.  This simple solution has become my all time solution.  Here’s why:

I’m not a good sleeper.

1:  I hate the relationship I have with my my pillows.

2:  As soon as I lay down in my bed my brain goes into overdrive and will NOT stop chattering.

3: I am an actual living nightmare.  I often do odd things when I sleep, like:  Get up at 3 am in a major panic about being late for work, get fully dressed and then wake up and realise it’s 3 am and I’m just mad.

4: I talk in my sleep and have also been known to sit bolt upright, scream my head off and lay back down again.

5: I have hit people and said dreadful things to them and made them scared.  Many people who have shared bed space with me are reluctant to do so again.

Piriton stops this happening.

The secondary benefits to this medicine are as follows:

1: I stop sneezing in beautiful, British summertime.

2: It alleviates other allergies that pop up like being allergic to certain wines – I know!  What a hideous ordeal.   Now I am able to drink whatever I choose and stop it from making me sneeze. Win.

However, I have a colleague who is a kinesiologist. I hear ya, what’s one of those?  I know.  For some reason, mystical people with bonkers jobs and supernatural beliefs seem to flock to me and want to be my friend.  I think it’s because I am a good candidate for experiments.  Said woman chose to use me as a guinea pig and practiced her kinetic business on me by pressing on my arm…..?

“You are allergic to wine and chocolate.  You must not have these anymore.”

“PFFFT!  What?  Don’t be RIDICULOUS.”  I scoffed.  “These are my body’s staples, lady.  Without them, it would go into shock.”

“I’m serious.  Have you ever experienced a red flushing when imbibing wine?”

“Erm…yeah a bit but I just thought that was because I was sexually attracted to the bottle.”

“And any sneezing?” She continued, gloating.

“Occasionally…but I have Piriton to alleviate such symptoms.” Get out of that one, psychobabbler.

“That is just a mask and not treating the real issue.  The things that we really crave are usually the things that are not good for us.”

“Alright, Spock. I’m NOT giving up wine and chocolate.   My body is my temple and my temple rocks hardcore with a nice balance of fruit smoothies and noxious toxins. Now get out of my aura, Ms. Charlatan Doomsdayer!”

I didn’t listen because, obviously, I know best.  But the other night I had but two, small glasses of pink vino outside in the garden because the weather is pretty bloody spanking at the minute.  I then went to bed and woke sometime later with snuffles.  Now, I keep my Piriton on my dresser, next to my bed.  Without turning on the light I scrambled around for the bottle.  Got it, now, where’s the damn spoon?  Couldn’t feel it anywhere and didn’t want to put on the light because then I’d become wide awake. Hmmm….maybe I left it in the bathroom…but I didn’t want to get up because, again, I’d then want to party.  Oh I’ll just sup it straight from the bottle, I thought, I can tell how much 10 ml is…I’m a seasoned pro.  I started to gently tip it into my mouth.  Nothing. Maybe I’d run out, OH MY GOD.  I tipped further and then got annoyed and went for it.  Out it gushed like a treacle river, dribbling down my chin and all sorts.  There must have been half a cups worth in my mouth.  Well what was I supposed to do? Naturally, I swallowed it.

Have you ever OD’d on antihistamine? I did that two days ago and I’ve only just woken up.