<\/p>\n

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday<\/h4>\n

On an Ash Wednesday to be precise<\/h5>\n

And I\u2019m supposed to find whimsy on a this day of self discipline and self denial? I mean which bright spark decided to write that up in \u201cThe Book\u201d? I know, eat yourself senseless with buttery pancakes until you\u2019re as sick as a dog and then tomorrow\u2026 STARVE. Cruelty. Total cruelty. And what is it with the number 40? Why is everything 40 days or 40 days and 40 nights? 40 hours is far long enough in my opinion.
\nI\u2019ve given up wine. Not had a glass for 19 hours now. I\u2019m still awaiting the glorious karma of this achievement.<\/p>\n

Talking of punishment.<\/h5>\n

<\/p>\n

I made this incredible, king size blanket. Crocheted with my own fair hands. I\u2019m immensely proud of myself. I made it for someone I know who is very anxious and named it \u201cThe Emotion Blanket\u201d They can lie under this and it will make them feel better. \u00a0It better bloody do because it took me flipping ages. I showed it to my friend, T, who is very good at this kind of stuff.<\/p>\n

\u201cBloody hell Jules, this wool is insanely thick! Nobody would crochet with this!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know. Pushing the boundaries. It\u2019s nice and chunky, isn\u2019t it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s chunky on steroids!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve called it the emotion blanket.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s more like a punishment blanket. You\u2019ll never get out from underneath it\u2019s so heavy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Now other people might have been offended by that, but not me. The thought of making punishment blankets to throw on people that piss me off seemed like an excellent idea! I could probably market them to the dominatrix girls that advertise in the iconic red phone boxes! Niche market. Love it. I have invented the PUNISHMENT BLANKET. Heh!<\/p>\n

My friend Jamie clearly thinks I\u2019m made for this job as he sent me this following picture and message:<\/p>\n

“Thought you could use this in your blog ….. Found in a bar in knights ferry CA. Made me chuckle!!!”<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what he\u2019s trying to say\u2026.?<\/p>\n

And more on punishment<\/h5>\n

<\/p>\n

I dropped my beautiful white iPhone down the toilet. Seriously. This sort of thing only happens to teenagers and muppets. In my defence it was early morning, I\u2019d been up since 5 am and I forgot it was in the back pocket of my jeans. It died. Friends told me to put it in a bag of rice but I didn\u2019t have any rice so I put it in a bag of pasta on the radiator. And yes,<\/strong><\/em> I appreciate that pasta doesn\u2019t absorb but this is all I had and it was gluten free thus not proper pasta. It didn\u2019t work. This is the power of morning bitch piss, people. That stuff should be bottled and used in warfare.
\nAnyway, I had to wait FOUR WHOLE DAYS (not 40) before I had chance to drop it into the phone shop. I\u2019m now not sure if I hate phone shop people more than baristas at this juncture. My phone was insured and they said they could send it off for repair.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell how long is that going to take?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout 5 days\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cToo long. I\u2019ve already been 4.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can give you this piece of crap, 80\u2019s Motorola phone for \u00a325.00 a day whilst you wait. \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I can give you a smack in the mouth but I guess you wouldn\u2019t want that either. I want an upgrade. Send this off and then sort me out with the latest iPhone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh we can\u2019t do that. You can\u2019t have one being repaired under insurance AND<\/em> have a new one too. The system won\u2019t allow it.\u201d<\/p>\n

See what I mean? Which is worse, barista or phone salesmen?<\/em><\/p>\n

Beating the system<\/h5>\n

In order to get my phone sent off I had to use their<\/em> phone to CALL their insurance that they sold me in the first place.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat? I\u2019m here, live in the shop, surrounded by salespeople of the year and you can\u2019t sort it out?\u201d<\/p>\n

Baristas or phone salesmen?<\/em><\/p>\n

52 minutes later\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll need to turn off your icloud.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, but which part of \u2018It doesn\u2019t work or turn on\u2019 did you not understand?\u201d<\/p>\n

So stressful. So, so stressful.<\/p>\n

Eventually\u2026.. \u201cSo after answering our gazillion questions, are you happy to proceed with the claim?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnly if I can have a new phone today too. Your top bossman in here says I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh the system\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNobody cares. I want a new phone or I\u2019m leaving.\u201d<\/p>\n

*crickets*<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I\u2019ll tweet about how rubbish you are because I\u2019m feeling exceptionally spiteful.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t tweet without a phone\u2026hahaha.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you can\u2019t work when your store\u2019s on fire.\u201d<\/p>\n

I got a new phone. Just had a text on it saying they couldn\u2019t repair my old one and are having to replace it with a brand new one. I will now have two new phones, one of which I can sell for a nice chunk of moolah. Wisdom.<\/p>\n

Apparently the one I dropped down the loo completely welded together. What with that power and my S&M blanket skills, you may now refer to me as \u201cThe Punisher.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday On an Ash Wednesday to be precise And I\u2019m supposed to find whimsy on a this day of self discipline and self denial? I mean which bright spark decided to write that up in \u201cThe Book\u201d? I know, eat yourself senseless with buttery pancakes until you\u2019re as […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2548,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3085],"tags":[710,711,712,713,714,715,716,717,718,719,720,721,722,723],"class_list":["post-2547","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-whimsy-on-a-wednesday","tag-sm","tag-punishment-blanket","tag-the-emotion-blanket","tag-iphone","tag-iphone-repair","tag-40-days","tag-40-days-and-40-nights","tag-no-wine","tag-loose-women","tag-gluten-free-pasta","tag-the-punisher","tag-morning-bitch-piss","tag-dropped-phone-down-toilet","tag-lent"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n