<\/p>\n

Satirical Snapshots bringing you whimsy on a Wednesday.<\/h4>\n

You know you\u2019re back in England when\u2026<\/h5>\n

The light at this time of year fades at around 4pm and turns into a dusky, purple hue which makes the bare trees stand out like they\u2019ve been embossed onto the sky. The temperature\u00a0plummets and you need hat, gloves, coat, scarf, a few packs of Lemsip and a bag of Jakemans. The fire needs to go on. The heating is up full blast 24\/7. \u00a0Tesco have more tins of Quality Street than they have bread and milk and the pubs are full at early doors cos, well, it\u2019s dark, innit! And all your friends want to meet you inside them. Who am I to argue? And not just for alcohol either.<\/p>\n

Coffee?<\/h5>\n

OK, so it was morning. My friend, Miss E, came to fetch me for breakfast at a quarter to ten. We drove to a local wine bar that is also a coffee house and delicatessen. We just mix it all up here. One stop fits all.<\/p>\n

\u201cTwo coffee\u2019s please,\u201d she said. \u201cPut some of that vanilla malarkey in it, cos it\u2019s Christmas and lets have a mince pie each!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlright. Nice,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s have a Tia Maria too!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut it\u2019s only ten \u2018o\u2019 clock!\u201d I looked at her askance. The man standing at the bar next to me sniggered. He was dressed in a decent business suit with well cut hair and spoke with an educated accent. This wasn\u2019t some drunken turn from Wetherspoons already through his second pint. In fact, this chap had a cup of tea.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s December, \u201c he said looking at me quizzically. \u201cYou can drink when you want in December.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight. Course. I forgot where I was. Been away in America for ages. Soz.\u201d<\/p>\n

This is England. December is basically a party write off.<\/p>\n

Fable at the table<\/h5>\n

\u201cSo, let me tell you a what\u2019s been going on with me,\u201dMiss E said as we positioned ourselves around one of those round tables for two that are only actually big enough for one. The Christmas menu and party events list lay on the table where evocative words sprung out like \u201cTwo For One\u201d and \u201cSanta\u2019s Creamy Warmer\u201d<\/p>\n

She pulled off her coat and shivered. \u201cIt\u2019s a bit parky out, innit!\u201d<\/p>\n

England. Mad words and trivial comments about the weather.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, since you\u2019ve been gone..\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re out of your head, cant take it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNever mind. You\u2019ll get used to me again soon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve had three counts of serious road rage and fell out with this bitch of a Traffic Warden. Watch out for her, she\u2019s new on the block.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight. Noted.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I had a right palaver with my passport.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWent to get it renewed and did that \u2018check and send\u2019 business at the post office, that cost me a tenner. Woman told me that my photo wasn\u2019t good enough because you can see my teeth. Since when can\u2019t you show your pearly whites off on a passport pic?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSince about ten years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, whatever, I had to go all the way back to Asda to one of those bloody photo booths. Not used one of them since I was fifteen and pissed up with ten of us inside it taking obscene photos for a laugh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThems were the days.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnyway, I took a picture and I looked like Myra Hindley. Not having that on my passport for the next decade! So, I did it again in black and white and took it back to the post office.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me guess\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t use that, she said. It has to be colour!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSince about ten years ago. Maybe longer,\u201d I stated.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is when I had my second road rage incident. Got stuck in the Asda traffic cos there was a deal on Port and Stilton and other party fodder. Three more bloody attempts to get a decent photo. Cost me fifteen sodding quid.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLets raise a toast to Eng-Er-Land!\u201d I said, raising my glass to hers and finishing it up.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you heard about the ten foot Brexit Turkeys being bred by farmers and milked for supermarket cheese?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, but have you heard the kerfuffle about the new fiver?\u201d<\/p>\n

The Indestructible Fiver.<\/h5>\n

<\/p>\n

Turns out, since I\u2019ve been away shooting them, more sinister findings have occurred. Get this:<\/p>\n

Hardline nutmunchers have forced the 322 year old Bank of England to review the indestructible fiver because it contains animal fat known as tallow. Whine-at everything leaf eating monomaniacs complained that this use of animal fat offended their sensibilities and demanded a review. Since then, PC word is out on the streets that this is causing severe upset to Hindus Sikhs and Jains \u2013 whose religion forbids them from eating beef.<\/em><\/p>\n

Excuse me but what planet do I live on? I\u2019m prepared to help all of these people out. Send me your tallow filled fivers and I\u2019ll look after them for you then please leave on the nearest train or plane.<\/p>\n

As for vegans, I\u2019ve seen enough of them wearing leather Doc Martens, carrying suede handbags, wearing make up with animal fat in and pretty sure they may have lit a candle or two in their vegan life. Make it easy on yourself guys and become a Flexitarian.<\/p>\n

The bank have already received a thousand ( phew steady on) signatures on a petition ( the first fourteen from a clan in Essex) to date and are taking it seriously as the head honchos go out in their chauffeur driven Bentleys to discuss it over lunch at The Greenhouse in Mayfair, London.<\/p>\n

Not satisfied with that they\u2019ve decided to take it a step further:<\/p>\n

\u201cMilitant vegans are now demanding a ban on breakfast cereals containing cartoon characters because it demeans animals\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Yep. That\u2019s right. Damn those marketing staff. I\u2019ve not seen a Honey Monster since; they hide in absolute shame. And, for the record, nobody cares about the monkey in the jungle. Like me, people only eat Coco-Pops because they turn the milk chocolatey – duh!
\nFrosties? Well, they’re GRRRRRREAT!<\/p>\n

Virginal bargains on eBay<\/h5>\n

<\/p>\n

But more interestingly, prostitution is finding a way to be legal. This will save a lot of sheep.
\nIt all started on \u2018This Morning\u2019s Britain\u2019 with hosts Phillip Schofield and Hollyby Willoughby interviewing a girl that started a craze by selling her virginity for \u00a3800,000. Well that didn\u2019t wash round here. You can get a blow job for a fiver in the pub car park. So, rather smartly, another bird decided to keep it real. She\u2019s prepared to sell hers for a second hand hoover. A nice little Henry type vacuum is her preference rather than some crap Malaysian knock -off but I\u2019m pretty sure she\u2019s up for a deal. I reckon a bag of quavers and a scratch card and you\u2019re in.<\/p>\n

Back home in Blighty!<\/p>\n

Lets balance it out with a bit of William Blake. This is England. You gotta love it.<\/p>\n