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I thought I\u2019d use I<\/em><\/strong> to let you know the things that I find slightly bonkers\/worrying and alarming, even.<\/span><\/p>\n

1:\u00a0 <\/span>Crossing the road.<\/strong> \u00a0 <\/span>The big orange hand indicates NO.\u00a0 <\/span>Even though I could probably get over if I watch the traffic lights, the hand gives me the fear.\u00a0 <\/span>I stop looking at the hand and distract myself with the surroundings like, \u201cHow flippin\u2019 big is that truck?\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 <\/span>or \u201cWhy is there a lipo suction clinic next to a eat-all-you-want-Texan BBQ outlet?\u201d\u00a0 <\/span><\/em>Do you think they\u2019re scratching each others financial backs here?\u00a0 <\/span>I look back to see that the hand has disappeared and the walking man has made an appearance.\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s no beeping noise to indicate it is time to cross the road, oh no.\u00a0 <\/span>How blind people get on over here I really don\u2019t know. \u00a0 <\/span>I am now halfway through being counted down and trying to cross a major road with several lanes.\u00a0 <\/span>The pressure of the countdown makes me fraught with stress and affects my gait.\u00a0 <\/span>Not only that, but impatient drivers who want to turn right despite the lights being on red are trying to kill me.\u00a0 <\/span>I feel their impatience and also the fact that I only have 4 seconds to live before I hit the other side. <\/span><\/p>\n

2: Reality TV.<\/strong>\u00a0 <\/span>I hate reality shows at the best of times but this one left me opened mouthed.\u00a0 <\/span>I saw something that sounded like a horror movie or thriller was coming up next on the TV.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cOh good,\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>I thought.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI\u2019ve had my fill of \u00a0\u2018Have-a-nice-day\u2019s\u2019<\/em> and could do with a bit of darkness for balance.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t a thriller at all but a starkers man and woman meeting for the first time to go and eat snakes in the woods.\u00a0 <\/span>WTF?\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cNaked and Afraid\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>it\u2019s called.\u00a0 <\/span>And yes, I\u2019m afraid.\u00a0 <\/span>Very.<\/span><\/p>\n

3: Sockets.\u00a0<\/strong>Your plug sockets make me sad.\u00a0 <\/span>This is very bad Feng Shui.\u00a0 <\/span>The chi running through American\u00a0 <\/span>homes is tinged with melancholy.\u00a0 <\/span>Look at them.\u00a0 <\/span>They look like sad faces.\u00a0 <\/span>Or shocked faces.\u00a0 <\/span>These could become the new emoticon for \u201cOh my gosh!\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>or \u201cAre you kidding me?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

4:<\/strong> Food Quantity.<\/strong> How much potato salad do you ACTUALLY need?<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

5: Grits.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>Not only does it sound unappetising but they are.\u00a0 <\/span>I tried them yesterday and if it weren\u2019t for the fact I have table manners and I was in public, I would have spat them out.\u00a0 <\/span>They taste like rice pudding.\u00a0 <\/span>Now I like rice pudding when it\u2019s sweet and has a spoon of jam or golden syrup in it like God intended, but not when you put bacon and cheese in them.\u00a0 <\/span>Bleh.<\/span><\/p>\n

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6:<\/strong>\u00a0Cheese.<\/strong> \u00a0<\/span>What is this?\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s an outrage is what it is.\u00a0 <\/span>This is not any form of Cheddar whatsoever and again, how much do you need?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

7: Bread.<\/strong> \u00a0Can someone please explain the following picture.\u00a0 <\/span>Why do you sell or buy crusts of bread?\u00a0 <\/span>Is this for feeding the ducks or something?\u00a0 <\/span>Can you not cut up your own crusts with a knife?\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019m thoroughly perplexed at bread bits for sale. Help me understand.<\/span><\/p>\n

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8: Pasta.\u00a0 <\/span><\/strong>I think your spaghetti is a little too much on the \u2018al dente\u2019 side.\u00a0 <\/span>Just sayin\u2019.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

9:<\/strong>\u00a0Gas Stations.<\/strong> \u00a0<\/span>Your Gas-oh-leen\u00a0 <\/span><\/em>stations, AKA Petrol station where one fuels the car or town house on wheels, is more than meets the eye. Once inside you are lost to many other things like a full on supermarket, a clothes store, several fast food eateries and I suspect maybe a travel agent and doctors surgery.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

10:<\/strong>\u00a0Religion.<\/strong> \u00a0<\/span>Jesus is looking for me.\u00a0 <\/span>Can I be found?\u00a0 <\/span>No.\u00a0 <\/span>No I can\u2019t.\u00a0 <\/span>Don\u2019t tell him where I am.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Tell him I\u2019m playing with the Devil.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I thought I\u2019d use I to let you know the things that I find slightly bonkers\/worrying and alarming, even. 1:\u00a0 Crossing the road. \u00a0 The big orange hand indicates NO.\u00a0 Even though I could probably get over if I watch the traffic lights, the hand gives me the fear.\u00a0 I stop looking at the hand […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3085],"tags":[4,6,12,384,433],"class_list":["post-1610","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-whimsy-on-a-wednesday","tag-aprila-z-blog-challenge-2016","tag-atozchallenge","tag-a-brit-in-america","tag-texas","tag-usa"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n