Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Welcome to my world

Won’t you come on in?

Miracles, I guess

Still happen now and then

Knock and the door will open

Seek and you will find

Ask and you’ll be given

The key to this world of mine

You never know what you might find in a field. Think like the Netflix Show –Outer Range– where a new world exists just yonder in the greenbelt. Look what I went and found. A paranormal panorama.  

One minute I was just standing there amongst the corn, calling to the wolfits and then BAM! Mystery. 

Only my shadow remained as I got sucked through a wormhole to the land where the lollipop trees grow. The sky an enchanting glow of honey sunsets in springtime. 

Curiously charming flowers covered the ground like a multi-coloured carpet; as though a bag full of rainbow sweets had fallen to the floor. I skipped through the vibrant meadow like a child. 

Little robins, straight from Snow White’s wood chirped the sound of promise and fancy as their tiny feet pattered on the beanstalk branches.

A heady-hued wonderland stretched in front of me, daring me to enter.

On the edge felt like adventure; 

Bubbly enthusiasm all over,

Weak down to a sigh,

Provocatively daring the empty.

Had I Found Poetry in this new land or was I being intoxicated by a psychedelic scape? 

Was it the reddest red of the poppies that caught my eye or was it the red warning of something else? The imagery faded fast.

And reality wiped my face. 

SNAP! The dream disintegrated as quick as spooned sugar to a liquid rage. I came around from my slumbering procrastination to find that Keighley from D-Fix was still bouncing around in her red cap and red polo shirt. Still talking like a mad chatter about how easy it was to sticky- back- plastic practically anything in your house. Even the cat. So charmed, I was, that I fell promptly down a rabbit hole. Can you cover narcolepsy and boredom with sticky-back-plastic and pretend it’s not a problem, Keighley? No, I don’t think so. 

Red Spells Danger

Never trust anyone who smiles for 45 minutes all the way through a video tutorial. This is not normal behaviour and shows no evidence of natural intelligence. Also, never trust anyone who wears a matching cap and shirt and bounces around a lot—run very fast from this kind of person. Run anywhere, even into the magical poppy fields of your mind. Do not ever get so lonely that you have to make friends with someone like Keighley. 

I switched her off before I died a long and torturous ennui. 

The Vinyl Countdown

I had run out of excuses and it was time to decorate the pantry.  I had already cleared out all of the food, throwing away anything pre-2001, and washed the whole thing down from the sticky residue of… God Only Knows What. Everything is in cans or jars so it really doesn’t bear thinking about. Let me tell you now, people, if you have a pantry then don’t neglect it. Treat it like any other room in your house or you’ll be sorry. Things will stick to you and threaten to eat your flesh. Where do you think pan-demics start? That’s right, in Pan-tries. 

After painting the pantry a new shade of white and sage green (which gives an eco nod to healthy eating)  it was time to cover those sanded shelves in marblesque vinyl. WOO-HOO!

What I particularly hated about my pantry at that given moment were the chamfered edges of the shelves. It’s a bloody pantry for goodness sake. Who decided, back in the day of around nineteen hundred and thirty, to make the pantry shelves a bit fancy? It’s not like visitors are going to pop in there to admire your handywork, is it? 

Naturally,  Keighley didn’t cover that particular D-fix for the P-fix issue. Oh no. That would have wiped the Colgate smile off her face had she had to smoothly cover the edges of those without creasing. Hmmm.  She also didn’t mention how it rolls back into shape like a frightened snake no matter how you try and stamp on it, flatten it violently with your cast iron skillet coerce it into shape. 

People who do this malarkey to cars on a daily basis should be praised. I have a whole new level of respect for them and I would happily put them up for some sort of award. 

As for Keighley, she’s a big fat liar but, as I told you earlier, I knew that already. I bet if you went round to her house for a cuppa there wouldn’t be a single piece of sticky-back-plastic anywhere. In fact, correction: Keighley can’t even make a cuppa.

As for me, well, I managed to get through the road less travelled and came out the other end having done an adequate job for my first attempt. I had the expert knowledge of wrapping presents on my side so I used that skill to my advantage. 

I can honestly say I won’t be doing it again, and so, in the true spirit of all things whimsical, that ladies and gentlemen is a wrap.