To improve my artistic skills I decided to go to a painting class. There’s a reason this painting event took my fancy and that’s because it was called ‘Sip and Paint’ Held in a swanky bar, one could partake in vodka shots, cocktails, or vin d’artiste whilst painting a picture like the Old Masters. ‘Run by a professional art teacher all materials will be provided and you leave with a canvas fit to hang in the downstairs loo.’

What an excellent idea. 

Why didn’t I have this idea?  Do you ever look at a thing and think, Why didn’t I think of that? I’m constantly thinking of things to the point of being all thunked out and then someone comes along with a brilliant notion to make moolah. These paintrepreneurs have now got folks rocking up to bars all over the UK and are making a mint.

And they said there’s no money in art…

Anyway, off I went with a famalam member and got stuck straight into a Pornstar Martini to get the juices flowing. I sat at my table of four with two teachers on the other side of me. 

“Please tell me you don’t teach art,” I said.

“Maths.”

“Drama.”

“Both of these may come in handy.” I nodded a knowing nod to the pair. 

“Maybe we should have another cocktail?”

A sea of agreement followed. Another martini flirted on the table, begging for a kiss. 

The canvas board was ready. The paint blobbed on a plate and three brushes sat eager to play. Something very magical was about to happen, I could feel it. 

“We’re going to paint a lighthouse,” the art teacher said.

“Oh! I like lighthouses!”

I hadn’t painted with acrylics since I was 5 years old but the teacher said she’d go through each step and then let us interpret that how we wanted. Excellent – I can feel an abstract coming on.

 (Is that a person, Jules? – It could be, or it might be a lighthouse…)

First off we had to paint a purply blue sky and everybody’s was different—forty shades of sky in one room. 

Sea next. Followed by many rocky rocks protruding from the ocean. My favourite part was adding the white surf as it crashed against them.

There’s a piece of spray on that painting that I’m very proud of. Spumentous!

“God, I’m bloody awful at art,” said the drama teacher. “My rocks look like dead bodies floating in the sea.”

“Mine look like crocodiles,” said Miss Arithmetic.  “You don’t get this kind of problem with maths. You know where you stand with numbers.”

“And crocodiles,” I added.

Next came the lighthouse. The teacher’s was a red and white striped one—the sort you see on every generic lighthouse painting.

“ I don’t want to do a red and white lighthouse because, hmmm, too pedestrian,” I philosophised. 

“That’s fine. Do whatever you want,” said the kindly art teacher getting paid enough money to not give a flying lighthouse what you painted. 

“If I paint a red and white striped one, it will look like a helter-skelter and then my evening will be ruined. I’d rather take my inspiration from Godrevey Lighthouse in Cornwall where I recently visited.”

Both myself and famalam member went off piste and painted a whitehouse instead. You would think this would be easier but it’s not because nothing is actually white but more shades of grey and off-whiteish creamy beigeness.  Karma. She’s always there to piss on your chips.

However, the end result was pretty alright, considering.

The picture didn’t end up in the downstairs loo but made it to the en-suite bathroom where all things sea-sidey should reside. 

Next step – The Louvre. 

*Further examples of Jules Smith Creations can be seen and purchased as a sign of goodwill and loyalty at: 

JulesSmithCreations.etsy.com