Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!
Returning back to Blighty was rather pleasant since I arrived to 30 degrees of sunshine.
Returning back to Blighty was rather pleasant since I arrived to 30 degrees of sunshine.
Yes, I wrote that twice because it’s historical and I want it to sink into your brain.
I could still have been in Texas except I wasn’t being plagued by hornets, snakes or mosquitoes. And the cars were smaller.
Yee – Haw
In the interest of maintaining top quality cowgirl standards, I put my gift of the ‘Cowboy Ten Commandments’ on the wall. I took great pleasure in telling people to “Watch Yer Mouth” as clearly stated.
My fairy godmother sent me a care package that awaited me on my return lest I should become malnourished in England by the inadequate portion sizes.
This food box contained many dishes that I love to eat including a five-gallon margarita mix for when I get depressed.
Not wanting to lose my frontier touch I set about #AmericanCookingWithJules
Corn bread in an iron skillet (followed by Jambalaya)
And Goode’s Company cowboy beans.
There’s Always Room For Improvement
My Cowboy Church Pastor, R.O told me that I have now progressed from cowgirl to “Good Cowgirl” but that the next step is to become great. So, I stuck a Lone Star flag on the back of my car.
How To Get Gooder
How do I become a ‘Great’ cowgirl, I wondered. What else can I do? I’ve ridden horses, been on hunting camp, shot several homemade Moonshines, been to the mountains, learnt to eat and cook Merrican, written a Western, driven big trucks, danced the two -step at Honky Tonks all over, written country songs, sat on a steer, rode Harley’s, got myself to Sunday meetin’, bought three hats, several pairs of boots and a handmade leather belt, got proper down and dirty, I’ve shot various guns, and consider Cracker Barrel one of my favourite stores.
Queen Attacks Drone
I could be talking about bees, but I’m not. Like the sweet honey I am, I watched the dusk turn into evening as I sat outside on the patio contemplating life. There’s no AC in England so when it gets hotter than Hell you go outside and take your shirt off.
And then I heard a noise.
It sounded suspiciously like a swarm of killer bees. I leapt from my chair and went to stand in the doorway because being stung to death isn’t how I want to slip off the dish. The noise got louder but I couldn’t see any insects. I tiptoed back outside and noticed a drone flying around my garden and zooming up to my windows.
Now I think I know which neighbour this belongs to and I could’ve gone round and had a word but I try very hard to keep my temper under wraps because it’s like Pandora’s box.
Suddenly everything fell into place. I mean, what would a great cowgirl do?
That’s right. Shoot it. Unfortunately, we don’t have guns here anymore but look what I can order…
I know exactly where to trap and destroy this drone on its next visit because I’m not just a silly blonde chick with wanderlust, oh no. I happen to be fairly competent at the oldest war game in the world.
As you can see, I might be a useful general on a battleground.
Cowgirl Conclusion
I don’t know what your opinion is but I think nosey parkers sending their spy equipment around my pad in the wee hours gives me carte blanche to go ballistic bb on the drone. And then let them come to me…
If that doesn’t get me to “Great Cowgirl” status then I’ll eat ma bewwts.
21 Comments on Perfecting The Cowgirl
LL
28th Jun, 2017 05:06
Lasso the drone. A cowgirl should be able to pull that off. In absence of that, throw a net over it (the shotgun approach).
What do the locals say when you wear spurs into the chippy shop?
What do they say when you offer a cowgirl blessing (loudly) over the food to remove the curse before you dive into the mushy peas?
These are details that were omitted but they are important.
Jules Smith
28th Jun, 2017 05:06
Larry, I have yet to perfect my lasso skills. A roper tried to show me once but I ended up catching a horse by mistake. Years of practice.
The English locals do one of two things: they either look at me oddly from a safe distance or run up to me and say “Oh you’re that cowgirl who keeps going to America – I noticed your boots!”
In America, oddly enough, I have people commenting on my boots several times a day! Still, I have a mighty fine collection.
It’s when I set my NO voodoo dolls next to my chippy dinner that they get anxious. I’m already considered odd so that just adds to the flavour. If only they realised that voodoo is concocted in their own worried minds…get given a bigger chip portion now though!;)
Gorilla Bananas
28th Jun, 2017 07:06
Hell, Jules, you should be editing than darn magazine! But did you check the insides to make sure it’s respectable with no pictures of tits and ass? I wouldn’t waste a good bullet on that pesky drone – a catapult aimed at it rotor blades should bring it down. How about wearing a sheriff’s badge to let folks know you ain’t to be messed with?
Jules Smith
28th Jun, 2017 08:06
Oh, I checked it thoroughly, Mr. Gorilla Bananas. I read it cover to cover and it’s full of beautiful things – no evidence of anything nefarious. You know I wouldn’t entertain any vulgarity.
A catapult! Yes. I like that. And I know how to make one with a rubber glove and an elastic band. I’ve looked everywhere for a sheriff’s badge and can’t find one. Instead, I had my belt adorned with bullets. 🙂
Hardnox
28th Jun, 2017 09:06
Well Jules “Merica is not the same since you left. There a noticeable “there’s a something’s missing” in the air. Heck, even the temperature has dropped. 🙂
I wrote Ken Amorosano and “sold” you (for two horses, a blanket, a saddle, and a rifle… good deal eh?). Seriously, I wrote him.
Now as far as those Peeping Tom drone flyers, I recommend using a slingshot and a teaspoon of bb’s. That will definitely take it down.
Be sure to wear your pasties as bait.
Jules Smith
28th Jun, 2017 09:06
Haha! Don’t worry, I’m coming back soon and the tempests will resume!
H, you are a motherflippin’ star! Thank you so much! I’m giddy at the thought of being worth as much as two fine Quarterbacks, a saddle AND a rifle! But seriously, thank you 🙂
I’m definitely going to give that a shot <---- excuse the pun. And, I'm considering purchasing my own drone for retaliation. Cue the "Drone Wars"
Exile on Pain Street
28th Jun, 2017 12:06
I wish I knew how to play chess so we could play each other. I know how to move the pieces but that’s about it, really. I’m sure you’d wipe the floor with me. You might enjoy that a little too much.
Jules Smith
28th Jun, 2017 12:06
M – Learn. If you know how to move the pieces then all you need to figure out is strategy and having a forceful plan and a secondary plan when your opponent gets feisty. Practice makes perfect. As if I’d enjoy that… I’ll help you 😉
ianabroad
28th Jun, 2017 13:06
Hey Jules,
I thought Gorrila Banana’s tip on wearing a Sherrifs Badge was a great idea. We know how much Americans respect the Law and just the sight of a Sherrifs Badge would surely be enough to make them stop buzzing you. Ingenious suggestion from Mr. Bananas. Top banana in fact.
I note that you haven’t been able to get hold of one – therefore I would like to offer you my very own Sherrifs Badge which I have had since I was a child. It’s a bit rusty mind you – but I am sure that it would still frighten that drone pilot.
Let me know if this might help.
Jules Smith
28th Jun, 2017 13:06
Hello, Ian!
He’s very top banana. I’m lucky to have such an anthropological ape looking out for me. But then, he is very vigilant around menacing harpies.
I would LOVE your sheriff’s badge and would wear it with pride. In fact, I’m prepared to make you deputy. Bring your crossbow. 🙂
LSP
28th Jun, 2017 15:06
What a powerful post. The first photo of you shooting at a drone with a custom AR15 is especially compelling, nice work! And good luck with the magazine, I’ll see if Ken’s up for serializing Malochio, as a first step.
All hail Texas.
Jules Smith
28th Jun, 2017 17:06
Thank you, LSP! Great photography.
Ooh! That’s a good idea. I appreciate your help!
All hail Texas! 🙂
the late phoenix
28th Jun, 2017 19:06
of course i’ll sell you, mah dahlin, it’s in my job description.
I hate guns, but I do love that pic of you. very hot. I want that flowers skirt. for myself.
amorosano translates as “healthy sexual intercourse” according to Google
*)
Jules Smith
29th Jun, 2017 07:06
Well, how lovely of you, my sweet.
I was very scared of guns when I first went to America so deliberately made myself learn to shoot them. As a sport, it’s so much fun. Like any tool, it’s what you do with it. Worst case scenario of flowery dressed bird with an AR-15? The drone gets it.
There’s definitely some love in that name, I just hope it extends to having me on board! *)
Masher
29th Jun, 2017 05:06
I would LOVE to see you take that drone down! Make sure you film it, if you do.
I used to be quite good at chess, but I’ve not played in years. Don’t seem to be able to find the time nowadays to spend two hours just playing a game.
You are made for that magazine and that magazine was made for you.
I’ve emailed Ken and told him so.
Jules Smith
29th Jun, 2017 07:06
Ha! Oh, I will do Masher. Just waiting for my BB gun to arrive ;P
This is why I play online. You can make a move from your phone as and when, maybe just a couple of times a day. You should have a go. Never lose the chess skills!
Right?! Thanks, Masher, you’re a star! 🙂
Rick
29th Jun, 2017 08:06
Hey Jules, would you believe that just the other week I found a home made catapult from my misspent youth in my Mum’s garage. It is therefore, about 50 years old! We gave it a trial run and it still works. I’m not sure if it still has the power to bring a drone down but you are welcome to give it a try.
Jules Smith
29th Jun, 2017 08:06
You see, Rick! Look how misspent youth pays off in the long run!
I’ll take it! 🙂
The Blue Grumpster
30th Jun, 2017 19:06
Dear Mr. Amarosano,
It has come to my attention that the British author Jules Smith has shown a keen interest in writing for Cowgirl magazine. She recently wrote an excellently humorous piece entitled “Perfecting the Cowgirl” in which she kindly asked her readers to, well, sell her, which I wouldn’t do unless I felt she was truly talented, so here I am, selling her. I call her the English Cowgirl, and she is gifted all right. I’ve been a reader of hers for, what, 7 years during which time she has shown to be a winning combination of sheer wittiness, charm and humor. Not to mention that she is charismatic as heck (pardon my French). Her captivating style is instantly recognizable, her novels are honest and heartfelt. She loves the South more than any British writer I know of (I assure you, the list is long), and all I can say is she would spice up your magazine like hot sauce on a juicy steak, and I’m sure to your readers’ heart’s content. An English cowgirl… wouldn’t that be something?
Thank you for your time. I wish you a very nice day.
Sincerely,
R.C. Blue
Jules Smith
1st Jul, 2017 08:07
WOW! What a wonderful email. I hope Mr. Amorosano pays attention to that! How can he not? I haven’t heard from him yet…. maybe this will be the push!
Blue, you are wonderful and I can’t thank you enough. 🙂 x
The Blue Grumpster
1st Jul, 2017 08:07
Don’t mention it, Jules.
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