Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!
So, I met my mum at the garden centre. This is a Great British thing to do because in Blighty we all love our gardens and having cake and tea. Garden centres are the new going out.
There’s not much else to do because the pubs shut at 10 pm now, if you can get in, and there’s no point shopping for a new frock if you’ve got nowhere to go.
There are queues everywhere, and despite people thinking that the British are fond of forming an orderly line, there are some of us who do not.
Grievous Bottled Harm
A few days ago a woman kicked off in the Co-op because it was pointed out to her that she was walking the wrong way around the shop.
She proper lost it. In Surrey! People don’t behave like that down there. This is where I was brought up; it’s suburban and refined and not Essex. Clearly people are getting post-traumatic-pandemic disorder.
At first, I found this slightly amusing and could empathise a tad with her rage because it’s very annoying having to walk around following bloody arrows.
All Hail the Ikea method!
No.
However, when she started to smash all the wine bottles on the floor of the shop I lost all sympathy. What an absolute sinful waste of quality merchandise. The chick is clearly off her rocker.
Talking of Harpies…
I have come across the most sinister bird on the planet. No, not me, a real bird…
Can you imagine meeting this thing on a jolly jaunt out?
I am ambivalent towards the Harpy Eagle but I think it should replace Big Bird on Sesame Street so kids can develop a bit of character. I should get one as a pet and tie it to my front railings where it can peer menacingly at passers-by from the bushes.
Talking of Greenery…
I have a plant that is trying to escape. No matter how I try and reposition it, the thing wants to get out of its pot. Is this just a simple case of social distancing or should I be calling this plant Audrey the 3rd? It is 2020… anything could happen.
And on the subject of sentient plants (and me being at the garden centre with my mum), I happened to notice something remarkable as I was leaving.
Maybe I am the only person to spot this because plants are trying to tell me something, like it’s time for me to be ready to guard the Galaxy?
Because people, I found Groot…
14 Comments on Marvel at This
Elaine Cook
30th Sep, 2020 17:09
Why was I not in the co-op with you, I would have loved that…not so much the bird cakes, I wonder where they go when they die!!
Jules Smith
1st Oct, 2020 10:10
Can you imagine?!
You can’t miss that bird when it slips off the branch – they probably spit roast ’em and sell them at Asda!
Dean
30th Sep, 2020 17:09
Hodor! Um, I mean Groot! Enough with the popular references. Down to the meat of the matter: Juju what are you doing to all the innocent plant life? Have you no pandemic mercy?! Set it free! If it comes back it’s yours. If not, hunt it down and burn it root and branch!
Jules Smith
1st Oct, 2020 10:10
Dean, I think my green fingers are way too powerful and word has spread among plant life everywhere. They will either fear or flock to me. Clearly the pot-bound escapee is of the anxious variety!
the late phoenix
30th Sep, 2020 20:09
it’s like those stupid anti-maskers at Target. except there’s no wine at Target…unless all the wine has been cleared off the shelves…
start a revolution inside Disney World? do you know how BIG Disney World is!!!?
that’s the Monty Python bird!!!
watch out, mah dahlin, when Groot says I Am Groot all the other alien species think he’s saying I Love You but what he’s really saying is I Want To Fuck You…
and now I’m off to meditate. my Calm App broke so let’s see what Patrick Stewart has for us today in his Daily Sonnets By The Pier…
*)
Jules Smith
1st Oct, 2020 10:10
I’ve always found it funny that there’s no wine in your regular shops. Supermarkets, at least. Ours sell wine and spirits. And, as you can see from the video this makes for a calm and collected British individual!
That is DEF the Monty Python bird!
And there was me thinking it meant dad…*)
Masher
1st Oct, 2020 05:10
“No, I am Groot… and so is my wife” – to badly paraphrase a scene from The Life Of Brian.
Is it just coincidence that the ad I had to sit through before watching that video, was for wine?
I think not.
What a delightful lady though.
That plant looks very sorry for itself. You need to try growing something a bit more sturdy, Jules. My garden has a host of hardy perennials that grow all year round. They’re of the genus weedicus maximus. Happy to send you a cutting if you like.
Jules Smith
1st Oct, 2020 10:10
Heh! Shut up, big nose!
She’s a dream, isn’t she? I bet the current Mrs Masher doesn’t behave like that!
Yeah, I’ve got those too. Thankfully my lizard eats them!
LL
1st Oct, 2020 17:10
Do I need to buy your mother an Emergency Clown Nose, or would that be transferring her too much power?
The two of you could ignore the arrows at the garden store if clown noses were worn.
You could also ignore traffic cameras if you were wearing clown noses. I’m sure the police would agree.
I noticed that you referred to Lucifer as your “dog” (on facebook). I think that’s more than an insult to a wolf. Put him in a travel container, buy him a ticket and he can hang at the White Wolf Mine with me…a place where he will NEVER be referred to as a “dog”. I might dye him white to help him with his winter camo (winter is coming). Or I might just buy him a ghillie suit of some description. Once he has a kill, likely he’d get messy and look like a red wolf, camo or not.
Jules Smith
2nd Oct, 2020 10:10
NO! She’s not allowed one. That’s MY toy!
I ignore arrows anyway. I just walk with confidence and it tends to make people shy away from saying anything.
I am so sorry, LL. You are quite right. The problem is, on FB there tends to be a lot of snippy, jealous people that get riled by me calling him a wolf despite his wolf content. I’m training him to react badly to those kinds of people…Rest assured I will not call him a dog again!
There’s an opportunist squirrel that is getting too close to the back door. It’s only a matter of time.
LSP
11th Oct, 2020 00:10
Wow. Harpy Eagles. I’ve heard that flocks of Harpy Eagles circle over places like Surbiton and when they see XR vegans they swoop down screeching and literally carry off their prey to Epping Forest. Maybe that happens in Nottingham too. Be careful in the forest, kids.
Lost it in Surrey sounds like a Blur song!
Jules Smith
11th Oct, 2020 11:10
You heard right, LSP. I suggest importing them to the U.S of A in order to kill off the unicorn population.
Hahahaha! Lost in Surrey! I’d love that track, I just know it!
The Blue Grumpster
30th Dec, 2020 21:12
I should paint my bedroom too. Come to think of it, I should turn my entire house into an oasis of color now that the entire world has lost its collective mind, overreacting like a bunch of morons, taking decisions that make matters worse. We need color.
I need you to make me smile, Jules.
Jules Smith
3rd Jan, 2021 12:01
Oh, Blue. I wish I could make you smile but I barely have enough mojo to make any magic for myself. What is the madness of the world today? UGH. Sorry for my tardy reply but here I am trying to think of ways to improve the mood. What I can tell you is that binge-watching Disney /Pixar movies has made me forget for a while and sent me to places where the magic still lives. I recommend “Soul” and “Onward” as two recent animated magical films I have enjoyed. That should bring a splash of colour for a few hours. Love you lots X
Leave a Comment
Your email address will not be published.