Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!
Welcome to cooking with Jules!
Cooking what? Meth? What with me now living in Villainous Village you might be thinking there’s a bit of Breaking Bad going on in the neighbourhood.
Talking of mobile miscreants…
Here’s the thing about living in the ghetto – you have to be on high alert at all times. So, when you are woken by texts just before dawn you pick up your phone. There might be a raid going on.
Because I am now residing in Corruption County, people come to me for advice from far and wide.
Mein Gott!
Bloody hell!
Talking of bloody – and Hell…
I went downstairs to prepare a nice, hot cup of tea. As I waited for the kettle to boil and watched the birds flocking around the feeder I noticed that something was bleeding to death in the neighbours yard and seeping onto my patio.
Really?
Did someone not pay the Patron? See, this is the sort of ‘goings on’ you can expect nowadays, when you live in the middle of it all.
I stood and watched the river of red as it crept menacingly across the slabs. I then turned around and looked for the dog incase its head was missing.
This neighbour is a salubrious garden centre – well, so they say. More likely it’s a money laundering operation for the street scoundrels. What a perfect place to dump a body, underneath all the winter bedding pants…
I called them and made them aware that something was bleeding into my garden. There was a long pause, some muffled voices and then they said they’d get back to me and hung up. I got my BB gun ready – it wouldn’t be long before the head honcho knew I was onto him.
They called me back sometime later with the flimsy excuse that it was red paint that had been washed down a pipe that had broken. I’m not buying that, are you?
Don’t buy tomatoes from there. They’re only large and juicy because of the compost they’re using, if you get my drift.
Talking of tomatoes…
It’s great when you have friends that have their own allotment because they give you lots of fresh grown produce for nothing. This helps a lot as going shopping in the ghetto means leaving your abode unattended and your knicker drawer free for rifling.
This week I got a harvest of tomatoes, red and green. I decided to make some fresh tomato soup. A great big pan of it. I worked on the premise that it’s not good to bite the hand that feeds you so becoming the soup kitchen of the area might elevate my status.
Look at these juicy plump fruits! ( not a thing to say in the local pub)
They got a roasting.
Added to my magical pan…
And made into beautiful harvest soup that I have laced with tranquillisers will give out graciously to any visitors.
Happy Harvest!
10 Comments on El Tomato
LL
2nd Oct, 2019 00:10
You hardly live in a ghetto. More of an English country paradise where Sherwood was sheared back to make room for a bit of wolf paradise where you drive your big, wicked, four wheel drive truck (don’t call it a lorry, please). The whole paint scenario doesn’t wash…or does it? Are the pavers permanently stained with the blood of Robin Hood (because that would be my story – tourists would arrive – if you build it THEY WILL COME). I’m willing to help you sell trinkets to belching tourists hoping to see a bit of England’s bloody past.
Harvest tomato soup? Yes please. Add a bit of basil will you – and a grilled cheese sandwich.
Are grilled cheese sandwiches (grilled on BOTH sides please) acceptable in Old Blighty or are they like sweet tea over ice with lemon – enduringly taboo? Can you dip them into the harvest soup or will that banish me from supper to go and eat fight Tex for command of a knuckle bone?
Jules Smith
2nd Oct, 2019 09:10
Yeah well, LL, I fear we are backtracking to the medieval days of skullduggery and men in tights!
I promise we call them trucks – lorry is just for the lorry.
What a great idea! Leicester got tons of visitors when they figured out Richard III was buried in the car park! I could dress up as Maid Marian and sell tickets – surely she had a wolf?
I LOVE American grilled cheese and had that with tomato soup in a country bar in Texas. Over here we have cheese on toast. Just one side under the grill (broiler). With soup we tend to have buttered, fresh crusty bread to dunk in! You would not be banished for grilled cheese, and getting a bone of Tex is not advisable.
LL
4th Oct, 2019 18:10
Dunking crusty bread into tomato soup (or any soup for that matter) is a treat. Pairing proper US style cheese sandwich and tomato soup is iconic, though. I’m sure that you’ve indoctrinated Tex at this point and I couldn’t swap him a crusty sop for his bone.
Jules Smith
5th Oct, 2019 13:10
I think we should be allowed to have both, Larry!
Tex is so well trained he would take both. Wolves are clever like that 🙂
Bathwater
2nd Oct, 2019 14:10
I think I’d take the bowl laced with tranquilizers! Don’t go rummaging through my pockets while I’m out though! I have heard what goes on in your town now!
Jules Smith
3rd Oct, 2019 15:10
A wise decision, Bathwater!
Haha! It’s a very quirky and menacing place where I live!
the late phoenix
2nd Oct, 2019 21:10
that Nigella Lawson Slut Spaghetti segment, I spent a whole day with that vid the first time I saw it…
I still don’t trust Uber, I just walk everywhere now…in my mind…when I lucid-dream…
Eugene from Wristcutters: A Love Story, the best taxi-driver you’ll ever encounter
that’s a very Hitchcockian scene. oh, and you have a Hanging Gardens of Babylon thing going on, nice!
those are grapes…from Mount Olympus…as you are one of the Goddesses…ambrosia…
name that soup Smashing Pumpkins Soup, it will be popular…with one side of the aisle…
*)
Jules Smith
3rd Oct, 2019 15:10
Nigella Lawson makes everything slutty! She simpers over all her ingredients like cooking porn.
I like to hang out in my garden – just not when it’s bleeding.
Goddess Grapes.
Or Rotten Tomatoes? *)
LSP
6th Oct, 2019 05:10
What a great post. I like its homecure aspect. Have a problem, say a “gin head”? Solution, take some speed/meth. Then boost those vitamins up to par with some delicious homemade tomato soup! Sorted and ready for a clean break Brexit.
Jules Smith
7th Oct, 2019 11:10
Gin head? Moi? What is this thing you speak of?
I like it, LSP! Proper medicine for a no-deal escape.
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