Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!
They say that when a man talks about the weather he is bored with life. Well, since I’m a woman it doesn’t count and when you live in England, one tends to get bored with the downpours.
If it rains anymore I think I might cry. I’m surprised the population of this country hasn’t halved due to depression. The only upshot of this is that I have become a master at taking photographs in the rain. Who knows, maybe this is my life’s mission and I never realised; turning atrocious weather into an art form.
Apparently sunshine is coming but I find myself having one-way sarcastic banter with the weather forecasters on TV. It’s a shame because I really used to like Carol Kirkwood from the BBC. That’s another friend gone.
Talking of friends…
Kevin the new Godzilla has to be kept at a nice 40 C in order to be all lizardy and healthy. On the downside, that is costing me money since it’s still winter here but on the upside I spend a fair amount of time with him as it’s the warmest room in the house. T-shirt weather in Kev’s pad. I find it fascinating that he lives in one of the wettest countries and yet is not allowed to have any water. He can only get hydration from his leafy greens.
Talking of water…
I realised that shutting myself in a room with a spiny tail lizard, despite its exotic advantages, was making me become less socialised than usual and it was time to don the raincoat, put up the brolly and venture outside. So, I went to the reptilian centre at the university. I forget what for because I became utterly distracted and transfixed by Gertrude.
This is she. It doesn’t look real, does it? Gertrude is an African clawed frog. She didn’t flinch. Not once. I know this because I stood staring at this awkward amphibian suspended in water for a good length of time. Long enough to forget what the bloody hell I was doing. Gertrude has powers. Look into her eyes and you will find that all of life’s answers will be revealed to you.
The future is froggy.
33 Comments on An Unfrogettable Week
LL
2nd May, 2018 15:05
There is no JuJu on those black boots.
Why?
Kevin needs Boot JuJu too even though he doesn’t wear boots.
Yesterday there was fire at the White Wolf Mine.
Today there is snow.
Land of Fire and Ice? If Kevin lived there, he’d grow wings and would fly around burning white walkers until one of them managed to put a spear into him…resurrect him, then he’d fly around freezing stuff. Maybe it’s for the best that Kevin stays in England.
Jules Smith
2nd May, 2018 17:05
Ah! Well, LL, that’s because there’s a new line coming in soon and all will be revealed! Well spotted though!
Kevin is getting handled a lot (much to his dislike because he’s a fan of sleeping being a baby and all) because his future is in Boot JuJu modelling. The Lizard line.
I’m glad you’re OK and maybe snow is a blessing in this instance. As Mother of One Dragon I can tell you that Kevin is doing quite well despite living in Winterfell and this kind of weather will harden him up for future battles. 🙂
LL
2nd May, 2018 21:05
I sent you an e-mail about disturbing news from the UK.
You may wish to discontinue using the Emergency Clown nose for the time being.
Jules Smith
2nd May, 2018 22:05
Oh my word! See how behaviour is affected by rain, rain and more rain, LL?
So, let’s get this straight. I can’t carry my Texan blade, I probably shouldn’t have a BB gun anyway and now I might have to turn in my clown nose? NO WAY. They suck all the fun out of everything. I might just go Pennywise apoplectic on purpose!
LL
2nd May, 2018 23:05
I simply worry that the current boyfriend may take the Emergency Clown Nose the wrong way – given the current trend in the UK. Then the police become involved and you’ll need an alibi and there is the enduring problem of finger prints, your ownership of young Godzilla and plans to supplant the Church of England with a Clown Church, the endless plots and counter plots – then the discovery of those bits of spy gear.
And people driven to a frenzy by living in a nation where it rains every day don’t take those bits of evidence well as evidenced by the stabbing rate – eclipsing murders in New York City. Who would have thought?
Jules Smith
3rd May, 2018 11:05
For starters, LL, I don’t carry baggage or hindrance. The only chains around my feet are magical Boot JuJu. It’s just Kevin and me all the way. Secondly, as you know, my favourite get up is the devilish she joker. I’m not bothered if people take me the wrong way because I’m used to that and it’s their issue. Clown up or jog on. Thirdly, I have eyes in the back of my head with my spy gear and a t-shirt that reads my alibi: Deny everything, make counter allegations, demand proof, blame someone else.
I’m sorted. What with the whip of Kevin’s fiesty and spiky tail, my clown nose and magical JuJu the world had better be on guard! 😉
Crystal Collier
2nd May, 2018 16:05
My kids would be so jealous of your flatmates. =) I get what you’re saying about the rain. That’s how upstate NY was–two weeks for one day of sunshine. I suppose that’s a big reason why we moved to sunny Florida, and I’ve been quite up ever since. Some people can survive without sunshine. I wasn’t one of them.
Jules Smith
2nd May, 2018 17:05
Crystalicious, I was just thinking about you the other day! How strange! Sorry, I haven’t got around to many peoples blogs lately as I’ve been mad busy, but I will be persecuting you all soon.
I fear that I am a person who needs sunshine too. A constant 83 degrees would suit me perfectly. Not too hot, not too cold but just right. I AM Goldilocks! 🙂
Lynne Bod Allen
2nd May, 2018 18:05
I think Gertrude should join Kevin in your tropical suite. It could be your new calling running a tropical experience from your home. Sleep with lizards at £120 a night. It’s glorious and sunny in Venice. Eating all fresco. Just saying…..
LL
2nd May, 2018 18:05
I think that you’re on to something, Lynne, but to complete the tropical suite, you need birds chirping and squawking, and the Garden of Eden requires a snake…one more reptile to round out the suite…and an apple tree.
Jules Smith
2nd May, 2018 22:05
Eating ALL fresco? Save some for the Venetians!
In answer to you both: I mix with lizards, I do not sleep with them and there are PLENTY of snakes in this neck of the woods, if you know what I mean!
I have my aviary in the garden and I have a pear tree. This is the new Eden.
LSP
2nd May, 2018 18:05
Nice lizard and frog but I like the top infographic best, with its furry boot tops. Walking in the rain.
Rain’s forecast in Texas too, along with tornadoes. I like to stand on the porch when that happens, daring the elements to do their worst as the rain crashes down. It’s like being on the deck of a ship.
Jules Smith
2nd May, 2018 22:05
Yes, LSP, furry boots are the next level. Boot JuJu will evolve into foot fetish fantasia. Belt up, cuff up and step to the JuJu tune.
The weather has gone globally mental. And no, it isn’t like a ship, is it… This isn’t pier pressure.
the late phoenix
2nd May, 2018 19:05
I was drinking when I realized who Kevin reminds me of. I was drinking a SoBe……
*)
Jules Smith
2nd May, 2018 22:05
I just Googled this and see that Kevin is infamous. Even though he doesn’t drink. Is that deformation of character? I might sue so Kevin and I can build a house in his native North Africa. No, maybe that’s a bad idea. I’ll talk him into Bora Bora. *)
goatman
2nd May, 2018 19:05
Is there not the terrarium equivalent of an aquarium heater?
This would concentrate the heat and save BTU’s.
Warmth is good.
Jules Smith
2nd May, 2018 22:05
Hey Goatman! Don’t you worry ~ Kevin has a proper heat lamp and temperature gauges and thermostats in his swanky house with loads of toys and special sand and digging clay. His tank keeps the room proper nice and warm! He’s probably the most cared for uromastyx ever because I want him to be the next Godzilla! 🙂
Hazel
3rd May, 2018 00:05
Pity Kevin & Dolly can’t get together for a play date…..
We can though! It never rains in the bar!
Jules Smith
3rd May, 2018 11:05
Hahahaha! Exactly my friend! We can pick up the fun end 8 days a week! ;P
Jane Lowe
3rd May, 2018 22:05
Jules, I hope Kevin turns into a mighty Godzilla dragon because I think this would suit you very much!
Jules Smith
4th May, 2018 18:05
So do I, Jane. Training is in progress. Daily! 🙂
Masher
4th May, 2018 07:05
You have a lizard… that you hope will grow into Godzilla.
And you called him Kevin?
Of course he’s not amused!
Jules Smith
4th May, 2018 18:05
I dare you to say that to Kevin’s face, Masher! :0
Hardnox
5th May, 2018 01:05
This is all good and fine until Kevin starts shooting lightning bolts from his mouth. Gertrude and YOU will crap your pants. 🙂
Lizard juJu Line? Do tell. 🙂 Next, you’ll be telling us about wrestling with Nile crocodiles.
Jules Smith
5th May, 2018 10:05
Ha! I would love Kevin to start doing that, ‘Nox, just not at me! Nothing troubles Gertrude – she is calm personified! Gertrude could teach me a lot!
I’m just going to get Kevin to model on my new lines. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna skin him and make him into a belt! 🙂
Terry
5th May, 2018 14:05
Buenos dias, Mi Amiga, and Feliz Cinco de Mayo !
I’m always on the lookout for a tasty new taco filling, and your friend Kevin brought this to mind :
https://youtu.be/b8mfKqsBaFs
Amor Ya,
~PP Star
Jules Smith
6th May, 2018 12:05
Buenas Dias, Mi PPS!
Happy 6th of Mayo!
GASP! NO! He will not be eaten. But he WILL eat you if I command him!
Muchas Amor!
Exile on Pain Street
5th May, 2018 20:05
If I don’t clean up my act and fly right, I’m going to be reincarnated as a African clawed frog. And no dark answers in my eyes. Just empty, soulless sockets.
Jules Smith
6th May, 2018 12:05
No way, not you, M. You will come back as something awesome! 🙂
LL
6th May, 2018 17:05
The whole Mother-of-Dragon(s) scenario requires that Kevin sprout wings. He has the spiked tail thing going for him, but wings will give you a ride back and forth across the Atlantic as well as assuring your place in history. He also needs to breathe fire, but that can wait for now.
Jules Smith
6th May, 2018 21:05
If he grew wings I would be in my ELEMENT! I dream of such things, LL. However, we have to make the most of what we get and Kevin’s tail will be so vicious it might be banned in England. As for breathing fire, metaphorically speaking, I can nail that! 😉
LL
8th May, 2018 13:05
You set a good example for Kevin…
BUT there is always that unasked question – the 800 lbs lizard in the room that nobody wants to talk about. Once he has lived his span, will he end up as Boot JuJu?
Jules Smith
8th May, 2018 21:05
Larry, you can try and ignore the big lizard in the room but eventually, it will eat you up. You either manipulate your way out of it, flee far away and never return or face it straight on. Try all three.
Kevin will live for 30 years and the only way he’ll be a strap is if he’s buried with me and my bewwwwts! ;P
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