Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On Wednesday!

Don’t ask me where I’ve been because I don’t know. And by that, I don’t mean that I literally “don’t know” and got captured by aliens and had my memory wiped clean, no. That didn’t happen.  What I mean is that I don’t really know why I’ve been absent from this weekly (hahahahaha) blog. I’d like to say it’s because I’ve been out partying and travelling and haven’t had time but, err, nah.  A big fat not much has changed since lockdown rules and I’m beginning to wonder if I have a long Covid issue. Let me explain…

It’s Like Pulling Teeth

I went to the dentist. I have not been to the dentist for over two years because along with GP’s they didn’t see anyone unless it was a dire emergency. Even now we are back to normal you have to be in severe pain to get an appointment because now there’s a backlog. Same with GP’s. It’s 3 – 4 weeks for an appointment and pot luck if you can get a phone call. You basically get told to sod off to accident and emergency if you think it’s serious. Hmm. Anyone who has ever been in the waiting room of A&E knows that you are likely to spend thousands of hours waiting to die only to be told to go home and gargle with salt water and you’ll be OK. 

Many weekend afternoons and evenings have been ruined by a trip to A&E and after such an experience the thought of going fills you with dread and you start to play the lottery with your life. How bad is that pain in my left calf? Could it be a blood clot or did I just pull a tendon? Maybe it’s just hot because I stood too close to the fire. I’ve had it for three days now, surely if it was that serious I would be dead by now? Besides, the doctor’s receptionist with a medical degree in sweet FA doesn’t seem overly bothered. Is it really worth missing a Chinese takeaway and a few scoops with friends? No.

Suck It Up

My usual dentist, a bad-tempered menopausal Scandinavian, had left the dental practice and I was, surprisingly, a bit upset by that. I was looking forward to a bit of banter and an argument about whether or not I needed an X-ray. Instead, a sweet, quietly spoken Asian woman sat in her place. Her assistant looked like some kind of sexual gimp. Plastic apron, plastic glasses, and plastic gloves donned and a big tubular weapon ready to suck the saliva right out of you. You really have to wonder about anyone who wants to do that for a living, right? 

“Nice to meet you, new dentist lady. I have a bit of a toothache going on. Upper left middle-ish or thereabouts.”

“Is the pain really bad?”

The Test.  Do I really deserve to have this appointment?

“Well, I very nearly bit someone in temper the other day but I had to stop myself because biting down causes me pain. I find I’m eating sandwiches on one side which is a bit of a nuisance.”

“I’m going to prod around a bit – it might hurt.”

“Go for it. I have a very high pain threshold… OWWW! That hurt!”

Now, this shocked me because I used to be able to have a filling without even having an injection.

“I’ll need to take an X-ray.”

“Of course you do. Radiate away.”

After the check-up, and no real evidence of anything, she decided we’d have to wait and see what happens but next up was the usual teeth clean. Sucky psycho got well excited about this because now she could cause suction welts on my tongue whilst the dentist made my gums bleed. I didn’t care. I put on my plastic glasses and lay there like a hardcore bitch. 

However, this time, I found it all a bit noisy, a bit overwhelming and a bit of a lot uncomfortable.

Residual Viralitis

“I think Covid has given me a fear of dentists.”

“What?”

“Studies have shown that the results of long Covid have given people all sorts of things from brain fog, to pins and needles, weird anxieties and newfound bizarre allergies”

“Right.”

“I think it’s given me dental phobia. I need to leave.”

I have since found that I can use this to get out of just about anything.

Jules, could you give me a hand with this?

“No. Soz. I now have a deep fear of helping resulting in Raging Reluctance. Had it ever since catching Covid.”

“Oh…”

Try it. Gets you out of everything and leaves you free to do whatever you want. Though sometimes that’s not always a good thing. When you start to lose the will to do anything it spreads like a malaise into your own desires. You end up not even writing your own blog.

Rotten Tomatoes

I found a diddy macro-lens that someone bought me for my iPhone a few years back and started to play with it. It’s only a cheap little thing and it saves getting the big camera out when I go to the big outside to walk the wolfits. You can get some quite nice macro shots with it without all the fuss and palaver that comes with normal everyday life pro photography.

Since the weather has been unseasonably sunshiney and lovely I managed to get a few fun close up shots of things like flowers…

Blades of grass with a droplet of hope…

Some sort of yellow moss or fungi that grows on trees…

And a close up of a vine tomato I bought from Sainsbury’s.

 I’m rather alarmed at the yellow specks found on tomato skin and have discovered that macro food photography has given me a new idea for a diet book that will become a horrifying best-seller.  

Paint Me A Postcard

Talking of nature and stuff and following on from a podcast on the mystic musings of Sadguru – a yoga guru, I found myself looking up something to do with a tree. I forget what it was now as I got wildly distracted, as one does, and went from there to Birch bark and then on to something called Neurographics. 

Apparently, there is not only Art Philosophy in the world but also Art Psychology.  Honestly, I don’t think it has the same ring. Doesn’t roll off the tongue well at all. Still, I found myself interested in the visual infographic that came with the description. What a fancy, vibrant, abstract painted joy I witnessed.

Apparently, you can completely change your dreadful behaviours by having a bit of a go at drawing and painting in this fashion. I watched a few videos on how to do it and promptly got out my art materials to make a postcard for someone I knew would like this medium. 

You have to draw like this: Freely make blobs and lines and then round off all the corners.

Colour in the rounded blobs

And then stand up and shout “I Am Cured!”

Obviously, I’ve got a lot of work to do before I can honestly say that so decided a postcard was the better option.

How’s that for lighting up your life, eh? The workings of my mind are a sight to behold.