It’s Time For Whimsy On A Wednesday!

Is it though? I mean, it didn’t start very bloody well did it; my Christmas present from the coppers was big fat speeding fine. Do I take the points too or do I attend one of those speed awareness courses and lose the will to live drive? I had a look and found that you can now do the course online. No more sitting in a stuffy hotel room with the great unwashed, oh no. Now you can do it via Microsoft Teams from the comfort of your own home! 

That kinda swung it because I envisaged cups of lovely tea, bowls of tasty snacks, and all my pens and pencils to the side allowing me to be creative whilst chatting went on about how to drive like a doddery old fart. 

It’s Not Mario Kart

Turns out it didn’t quite work out like that. Firstly, I was present in front of my screen way before time and everyone else was late. That should have been an instant fail. The fact it started seventeen minutes late should have made me exempt as I was the only one taking it seriously. Once it started some people clearly hadn’t read the rules which meant going over them again and thus adding more time to something nobody wants to do. 

“No, Dillon, you can’t have your kids in the room screaming whilst doing the course. Yes, Dillon, it’s very distracting for the other attendees but one would have thought that blatantly obvious. No? When HOW did you pass your test, Dillon?”

And…

“Errm, Sorry Jake but your girlfriend can’t be in the same room…No, not when she’s sitting there in her dressing gown catching up with the latest episode of Happy Valley on BBC iPlayer.”

I found that a death stare through a screen doesn’t work anything near as well as a real-life punch in the face. By the time it kicked off I was livid. I couldn’t even create at the side because I had to watch clips and we were forced to answer questions which made any other kind of activity impossible. Then I got distracted by the background in people’s houses and then I got irritated by some of the contestants’ inability to answer. This made me start to chip in first because I didn’t want to be hanging about or getting more infuriated. Then the mob started copying me. When asked by the instructor they’d say, “Yeah, what she said,” because they were too stupid to answer themselves. So, basically, I ended up helping everyone else pass and ran the course wingman style for the instructor. I’m very close to asking for my money back. 

Still, here we are. My good deed for the year is already done before the first month is out. 

Talking of Acing it…

Paddle – a game that is a cross between tennis and squash has arrived here. Apparently, this predominantly European game that I’ve never heard of is much loved and played by the Danish owners of one of our football clubs. They have built four glass courts and allowed free play for the month of January in an attempt to get the public hooked. Of course, I had to have a go. Once upon a time I used to play squash and got quite alright-ish.

However, on the day of the event, I didn’t want to go. I find this is a common thread with me. I get very excited about events and then on the day apathy makes a stroppy stand. It’s played outside you see and open to the elements. It was a proper cold day, a bit drizzly. Meh. 

“I think it’s too dark and wet to go…”

“There are floodlights and you can put a jumper on. Come on.”

Wow. Kindness where are you? Still, the smashing of a tennis ball right down the centre court at your opponent has a way of making them more respectful of your needs.  As it happens I thoroughly enjoyed myself and went again a week later with a team. Loved it. The only annoying thing is that because there is no lid on the top of the court the ball can sometimes go sailing out which is a real pain when someone has to go trekking outside to fetch it. I say someone because I don’t ever do it, obviously. 

Talking of Balls…

I took the courage to enter the International Postcard Show at the Gallery in the city which is on for a couple of weeks and features postcard-sized art from all kinds of artists.

“Plucky Little Feather”

What an eclectic mix of creations! I attended the opening evening with a posse and walked around with my glass of wine passing constructive comments on the exhibits. I fully came into my own as a world-famous art philosopher that night and have to say that the coat fitted like a silky second skin.

“Silos On The River”

What a marvellous evening. 

“Just In Case”

It’s very odd to see your own creations up there. I felt both embarrassed and proud which only goes and makes you drink your wine too fast and need to have another one. 

“Dockers Reflection”

I find naming your art one of the most delightful things to do. In this instance, one can be a real pretentious brat or sew the seed of desire to the onlooker.  

“Crabby Bitch”

My mother thought that ‘Crabby Bitch’ was not a name that would be allowed in a gallery.

“Mother, this is art. Everything should be uncomfortable.”

I really should have made a name for myself in advertising but I don’t play well with others.

Having said that, my lovely friends R&L sent me yet another fabulous book from America which I am thoroughly enjoying. I find these books, the 1923 series, and Yellowstone are all filling my Texan hole. That sounds dreadfully inappropriate which is precisely why I shall leave it in situ. Art has many mediums which leads me nicely on to another creative project.

 I once came home from America with lots of brass bullet casings and I’ve always wondered what I can make with them. All of a sudden I received a sign.

I think the neighbours will love it. Particularly the knob with a drone.