Satirical Snapshots Back From a Hiatus and Bringing You “It Could Only Happen To Me” Stories On A Random Day Of The Week Just To Be Awkward…
So there I was at the back of my pick-up truck, two Christmas trees (east and west wing) rammed into the back of the bed. One of the trees still twinkled because I dragged it out of the house with the lights still wrapped around its branches.
“Lights are still on…” the neighbour said.
“Yep.”
“Like that, is it?”
“Yep.”
The tree with the lights still attached had started to die within two weeks of decoration despite it being a non-drop, fir-ever, extortionate spruce from some special place in Norway.
Mine was probably the tree that all the half-cut Norwegians pissed against after a night on the Aquavit. And their dogs. My tree had probably lost the will to live on the truck from Oslomarka to England.
Before we’d even hit the Christmas rush it was raining bloody needles by the second and when it came to removing the baubles it was as bald as a winter twig. So, the lights were staying put and going to the tip with the tree.
I dragged that prick of a twig outside my house as soon as the Boxing Day, Christmas dinner sandwiches had been digested.
Pine needles everywhere.
STILL, I find them.
They hide.
I suppose it could have been worse
It’s quite a thing to own a pick- up truck in England as our roads are smaller, windier, and we only have 8 million parking spaces for the 37 million cars on the road. It can get a bit tetchy between folk around these parts especially if you have a big car and you take up too much room. However, it’s not often that other drivers play chicken with you cos at the end of the day it ain’t you that’s gonna get squished into your Fiat Uno, is it…
There’s a lot of fun driving a truck here. I especially like that I can chuck a load of stuff in the back – mattresses, furniture, people, animals, contraband…
and Christmas trees.
Off I sped to the tip with the still twinkly tree and its brother lobbed in the back.
But…
I forgot to tie them down…
And, I forgot to go 30 MPH…
And that’s when I saw them fly out of the bed through my rear-view mirror and soar through the air.
Christmas Carnage
Oh. My. God.
Have I killed someone behind me? I asked myself.
Thankfully not. Turns out that speeding has its advantages. However, I had stopped the traffic in the busy main road both sides and I’m sure I heard someone shouting something like, “What a silly stunt…”
It’s very embarrassing going to rescue your spillage in the road with everyone glaring at you, but I felt the fear and did it anyway despite my initial reaction to do a runner and leave them there.
I put the trees back in. I pulled my shoulder, pierced my skin in a gazillion places, and wore my cowering shame in full blush, but I tidied up the road. I got back in my truck and drove very slowly to the tip.
When I got there I saw cars being turned away. I waited to see why.
A man who worked at the household waste centre came up to the car window and said, “Sorry, love. Tip’s shut. Someone’s just dropped dead getting rid of their tree.”
Dear God.
You really have gotta count your blessings, haven’t you…
Happy New Year.
25 Comments on O, Christmas Tree
Rick
16th Jan, 2020 18:01
At least you didn’t decide to bring the wolf along…in the back of the truck…leashed to the trees!
Jules Smith
16th Jan, 2020 18:01
There is that, Rick! Like I said, it could have been worse! But I have another story about that little sod coming soon!
Masher
16th Jan, 2020 19:01
Never seen the point of ‘real’ Christmas trees: pointy pine needles everywhere (as you have discovered).
Our thirty-quid tree – bought from B&Q about ten years ago – comes out of the loft every year and still looks as good as the day we got it. Luckily I have no taste.
But then, unlike you, I also have nothing to write about on my blog.
Jules Smith
17th Jan, 2020 10:01
Well, they smell nice and…and… yeah. I hear ya! I used to have a fake B&Q one myself but that used to wind me up when the top went missing or I had to colour code the branches. It’s all a bit of a kerfuffle, innit.
You have plenty to write about, Masher. Your life is a tapestry of adventure! – it’s just whether we can be arsed to. 🙂
the late phoenix
16th Jan, 2020 20:01
Moral Orel red truck!
Norwegians are petitioning to make snow volleyball an Olympic sport so they can dominate the Summer Olympics, too
with my cats, no more real trees. just catnip trees. I cut down my tree from Shady Pines…turns out that was a mental hospital and I had broken their rules…
i’m too nervous to drive, the only time I play chicken is for a Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich…a man in San Diego died over a Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich…
please elaborate on the contraband…
tidied up the road: like Jim Cantore
someone’s just dropped dead getting rid of their tree: sounds like Fargo 2!!!
*)
Jules Smith
17th Jan, 2020 10:01
Trust me, my sweet, a puppy dog is just as naughty as a kitty cat when it comes to trees. Half the branches got torn off, 5 baubles eaten, an angel ravaged and a golden ribbon.
If you drive a truck you will never be too nervous to drive.
Contraband – crates of wine, bundles from the drug fields, Hell Dust disguised as Persil Automatic, and so on..;)
It is very Fargo! I was most upset about it. Poor chap just going about his day, probably looking forward to a nice lunch and pop – he’s a gonner.. 🙁 *)
Rick
16th Jan, 2020 21:01
You were lucky to get turned away. Saved you getting the Spanish Inquisition from some oik about what you were tipping. PS How many Ricks do you know
Jules Smith
17th Jan, 2020 10:01
Hahaha! You’re the ONLY Rick! That one there —> YOU.
Rick
17th Jan, 2020 16:01
No, that first comment about bringing the wolf along wasn’t me!
Jules Smith
23rd Jan, 2020 09:01
Ahh – I do know another Rick – He’s awesome, cool, a famous guitarist and he lives in L.A! See how cool Ricks are?!! If you can be anyone, be a Rick.
Now I’m not confused. Phew.
Bathwater
16th Jan, 2020 21:01
I love the ending Jules! Christmas seems so long ago already but then again I did not both putting up even one tree.
Jules Smith
17th Jan, 2020 10:01
You can’t make it up the stuff I witness.
You are wise not to fill your abode with trees because let me tell you it’s a lot of effort. However, I will forget this and still do it again next year.
Hardnox
17th Jan, 2020 02:01
Funny story. 🙂
I had a similar experience with my Norway Spruce. I went to move it and a gazzillion needles fell off, so I waited anoth 2 weeks then sucked all the needles off with my shop vac. Worked great!!! I put my Charlie Brown tree on the burn pile.
Jules Smith
17th Jan, 2020 10:01
You know what, Nox, you can’t trust these Norwegians…
Things are so much easier when you have a big, lovely ranch! And a man cave!
LSP
17th Jan, 2020 02:01
I lost a boat once, which was different. No one got hurt, thank God. But congrats on the Ranger! We’re starting to see them here in Hill County; good looking rig, pretty Brexit/favoured trading status truck, kind of thing. Then there’s trees. I think there was some kind of shatter tree curse this year, at least there was in Canada this year. Huge tree, but dry and brittle as a Remoaner sherry party on Jan 31.
Jules Smith
17th Jan, 2020 10:01
It’s nice to know I’m not alone, LSP! Marvellous vehicle – I love it! I can just chuck it all in and go!
Blimey, that is dry! Hahahaha! I do love a bit of sherry though…
LL
17th Jan, 2020 03:01
I had half a cord of fire wood (cedar if you’re going to ask) slide out of the back of the Raptor’s bed into Arizona State Highway 87 when I accelerated as though I wasn’t carrying wood with the back gate down. Normally I wouldn’t confess. If I had only thought to bring some ground squirrels (woodchucks). They could have re-loaded the wood much faster than I did.
Jules Smith
17th Jan, 2020 10:01
Now that could have been proper nasty, LL! Thank you for owning up – it would seem that even the brightest of sparks can sometimes err catastrophically!
I’ve bought myself some extra bungee ties 🙂
Katherine Knighton
17th Jan, 2020 07:01
Dearest Juliette,
It saddens me that we only seem to communicate on these posts yet you decided to have a hiatus. I do wish you’d come to visit when I’m back from the Amalfi Coast.
At what point did you get an east and west wing? Did you use my architect, Gerald, as I suggested? He’s rather good.
Godfrey found us a man to rid us of our Christmas trees so we needn’t lift a finger, I’d highly recommend.
I’ll put you in touch with my favourite Norwegian winter interior designer, he always finds the most exquisite trees and it’ll hopefully save you from that dreaded needle shower you speak of.
Did you get my gift? I hope the colour suits.
Must be off – the maid has used too much lemon in the bleach again and I can smell it from the drawing room.
All my love,
Kitty
Jules Smith
17th Jan, 2020 10:01
Kitty! Oh my goodness, it’s been ages! Please can I come to the Amalfi Coast next year?
The silk Hermes scarf is absolutely beautiful and the babouche colour is so warming – suitable for both winter and summer attire. Thank you very much.
My west wing isn’t like yours, Kitty! It’s just two separate rooms rather than an actual wing so no architects here.
Sorry to hear you have an over-zealous maid when it comes to cleaning – lemon and bleach can be very overpowering. Good luck with that and lovely to hear from you! Give my regards to Godfrey x
david
17th Jan, 2020 11:01
O M G – Sherry !!
Jules Smith
23rd Jan, 2020 09:01
Right? Old Skool Class in a Glass!
Brig
20th Jan, 2020 23:01
Thought I was the only one with misadventures. I’m a firm believer in pickups and SUV’s. Never so scared in my life as when riding with my SIL in her mini and seeing the axles of an eighteen wheeler at eye level, out my window.
What I missed with real trees was the smell more than anything, so I use fake trees, and put a few fresh evergreen wreaths in the house. Waalaa house smells like Christmas with little cleanup.
Jules Smith
23rd Jan, 2020 09:01
You’re not alone, Brig! Hope that’s some comfort to you 🙂 I cannot imagine being in a mini in America. No. That’s just proper dangerous!
That’s a very good idea! Please remind me of this next November! 🙂
Dean
27th Jan, 2020 15:01
Juju,
I dont know if dying at the tip is such a bad thing. Not only will not have to do this cursed disposal dance ever again but you also wont have to: wear that stupid Christmas sweater Aunt what-was-her-name gave you. You wont have to listen to Christmas music in October. You wont have to buy any more Christmas presents for prats who make you feel guilty. You wont have to sit through hours of unwrapping with countless people looking at you side-ways with that face that says “do you even know me?” And best of all YOU wont have to open presents and smile with that smile that doesn’t reach these eyes and say “thank you” (and inside wonder “Do you even know me?!”). No, Juju. I think that person who tipped into the tip had the right idea. I suspect it was actually premeditated and he or she laughed all the way to the bottom.
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