Satirical Snapshots Bringing You Whimsy On A Wednesday!
It’s all about me.
This week is mine because it was my birthday t’ other day which always lasts for a week. Activity after activity. I’m completely worn out already and it doesn’t end until Sunday.
As you can see from a section of some of my well wishes, people are a little confused as to my age. Am I 13, 30 or a 100? Looking at that armchair, pair of slippers and glass of fine malt scotch, I think I’m happy to take a century.
I don’t know how these people dare be so cheeky to me. Their cards have been marked.
Phoenix nights
For those of you that aren’t from the UK and may not have watched this show, let me explain.
Phoenix Nights is a British sitcom about a working mens club in northern England.
A few of my friends and family threw me a surprise party at such a place.
So, I got randomly invited to a “country night” at this local Miners Welfare by someone.
“What? Why in the hell would you want to go there?’ I asked.
“It’ll be a laugh! Come on!”
“No, it won’t. It’s not like a Honky Tonk in Texas, you know. It’s a shithole down the road.”
“So what! They’ve got a gig on, let’s have a look. We can go and take the piss and leave if we don’t like it. Wear your cowboy hat.”
I arrived at the said venue just to appease. When I walked inside there sat loads of my sneaky friends.
“Surprise!” You can say that again.
Apparently, before my arrival the “locals” were very sour -faced and most put out at a gang of rowdy revellers arriving. My clan had re organised the room creating a big circle of chairs and stealing tables for bottles of champagne, cakes and pressies. Bit like a wagon circle protecting themselves from Injuns. They were told under no uncertain terms, several times, that there better not be any noise when the turn came on.
Well that worked out well. Half way through the night after line dancing on the wooden floor as “Travis” belted out his country classics on his bass guitar, I noticed that half of my friends were missing. I went in search only to find them huddled together in a quiet room in the back of the club.
“Are we boring you?” I asked.
“No! We got asked to leave for making too much noise. They’ve put an old geezer on the front door to stop us coming back in!”
My friends got barred from the Miners Welfare Club. Priceless.
In next weeks episode
You will be pleased to know that somebody bought me some horse riding lessons starting this Saturday. Cleverly booked on a morning right after a cocktail bonanza with my friends in the city the night before. Hungover on a horse may not be smart. However, I shall be taking my GoPro so I can show y’all next week how much horses hate me.
I’m now off to a spa all day. The last time I went to a spa I set fire to the table. Being the genius that I am, I tried to put the fire out with a paper napkin. You can imagine how that went. I got asked to leave.
Getting barred from the most unlikely places seems to be a theme…
21 Comments on Anniversary Of An Art Philosopher
TC
26th Apr, 2017 08:04
Wouldn’t be a proper party without the rowdies being asked to leave ? ?
x
Jules Smith
27th Apr, 2017 15:04
Right, TC! That a New Yorker speaking! 😛 x
Hardnox
26th Apr, 2017 12:04
Happy belated birthday Jules! Sneaky friends are always good to have… years later it allows one to have laughs and commiserate about all the places you got thrown out of or set fire to.
Horseback riding lessons while hung-over? 🙂
Jules Smith
27th Apr, 2017 15:04
Why thank you kindly, Hardnox!
I have many sneaky, cheeky reprobate friends. Just how I like ’em.
Yeah… that’s going to be eventful. So long as I don’t get chucked off, I’ll survive! 🙂
LL
26th Apr, 2017 13:04
You can tell the miners that you’ve been thrown out of a lot nicer places than theirs for doing a lot less. None of the miners lost an eye or a finger; the establishment hadn’t burned to the ground; the drunken revelry/orgy did not lead to the police arriving; an ambulance didn’t arrive to take half a dozen people to the local hospital to have their stomachs pumped; so what’s to complain about? The miners would never survive in Texas.
Good luck with the horse. Do they still have horses in England? Like real horses? ;^) How far can you ride in one direction without having to jump a fence? (I’m poking fun at you because you can ride many hundreds of miles in the American West, in the mountains, where you feel free – and differently than you ever felt before – without worrying about a single fence. And you can carry a gun while you do it. — or you can ride a steam locomotive to Silverton if you’re tired of riding.
Happy Birthday – again.
Jules Smith
27th Apr, 2017 15:04
Do you know what happens to people who poke fun of me, Larry? 😉
I think they might have lost a few appendages during the miners strike. That’s what you get for listening to Arthur Scargill.
Party’s are made for brawls. These old, fuddy duddy locals are ridiculously set in their ways. I’m tempted to go every week just to wind them up.
Look, I can jump a bit of a hedge or fence if I have too. You’re brought up doing that where I live. And, there are tons of horses. They all get in the way of my Rover when I’m trying to fly down country roads.
Best. train ride. ever. What a place.
Thank you 🙂
LSP
26th Apr, 2017 15:04
Happy Birthday! Stay on the horse…
Jules Smith
27th Apr, 2017 15:04
That’s my plan, LSP! I can hang on for dear life if I have to. Like a Pitbull. 🙂
Theresa
26th Apr, 2017 18:04
Well, on the upside, we weren’t asked to leave Lord Byrons ancestral home. Now that would have been hilarious and shameful in equal measures
Jules Smith
27th Apr, 2017 15:04
That’s true. Though it could happen. I think we were way too full to cause a ruckus! Next time 🙂
Masher
27th Apr, 2017 05:04
Happy Birthday, ol’ girl!
You should have said: I’d have baked a cake.
Thirty? Yeah, I can remember that.
Just.
Jules Smith
27th Apr, 2017 15:04
Well, you can still bake one, Masher. My birthday lasts a long time and I never look a gift horse in the mouth.
I’ll let you know what it’s like when I get there, what with me only being 13. 🙂
Gorilla Bananas
27th Apr, 2017 08:04
Congratulations and felicitations, Jules! You are clearly more popular than Doris Day (or do I mean Diana Dors?). Even the headstrong English horse will grow to love you!
Jules Smith
27th Apr, 2017 15:04
So long as I’m more popular than any double D that’ll do for me, Mr. Gorilla Bananas!
It had better love me or I’ll have to file a complaint and go and test drive a flash car instead! 🙂
Lynne Allen
27th Apr, 2017 11:04
Shameful girl you enjoyed your surprise party and I could name many places that have barred you and rightfully so for you’ve always been a very naughty girl!
Jules Smith
27th Apr, 2017 15:04
Just think how boring your life would have been if you’d have had a normal girl…. ;P
Exile on Pain Street
27th Apr, 2017 11:04
Leaving a trail of fire, upended tables, noise and destruction in your wake. Is there any other way?
Jules Smith
27th Apr, 2017 15:04
No other way, M. Keep yourself in peoples minds’. Nobody remembers a goody two shoes. 🙂
the late phoenix
27th Apr, 2017 19:04
happy anniversary, mah dahlin! you are the hottest older woman of all time, wink wink
Phoenix Nights?!!!!!!! i auditioned for that show but didn’t get the part. they asked me my name. i said Phoenix. they said i wasn’t right for the show. the career’s not going well……
y’know you’ve made me think about 100th birthday cards in general. like you never think about receiving a 100th birthday card. what exactly would a 100th birthday card say on the inside? it can’t just be the same patter, it has to acknowledge the extraordinarily rare feat of reaching 100. and then the patter.
welfare club, that’s my kind of place. i want to live there like i do the YMCA.
rock ‘n’ roll forever! always be a rebel! in my case since my parents were into Satanic death metal i listened to a lot of gospel songs.
i never knew what napkins were for till last year. i always thought they were for doodling on.
*)
Jules Smith
30th Apr, 2017 08:04
Thank you, my sweet!
You have to add Phoenix Nights to your list of shows if only to get an insight to British northern social clubs. You would have soared in such a role.
Paper napkins are for helping fires. I never knew until I tried it. *)
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