There’s been a load of compromisin’
On the road to my horizon
But I’m gonna be where the lights are shinin’ on me.
Like a rhinestone cowgirl
Riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo.
Like a rhinestone cowgirl…

My ultimate goal was to get myself kitted up as a lil’ cowgirl in the big wild west. My dream was realised yesterday by my fairy godmother, Teresa.

First off she bought me some mighty fine cowboy boots. Oh yeah, an’ these boots were made for walkin’ my friends. Look at ‘em! I got my walkin’ swagger all off an’ everythin’

These beauties were swiftly followed by a suede tassle bag to hide my whiskey in and a low swung belt to hang off my dancin’ hips.

Next stop – The hat shop. I’m not going to show you this yet as it is going to go into my H post. This shop was cooler than coolio cool in a block of ice coolness. I never knew hats were SO EXPENSIVE. Well after some tryin’ on an’ all, my fairy godmother got me a fine summer cowgirl hat. Well, I don’t have it yet as it needs to be ordered and steamed and all sorts of things that I never realised happened to hats. However, whilst I wait for my fine headwear my fairy godmother told me I had to pick myself a hat band. A what? A hat band. This is like a mini belt that goes round your hat to make it unique. I could have gone for girly rhinestones but that’s way too pretty for a lil’ missy like me. I’m more earthy and basic. So here is my hat thingamajig. ‘Aint it cute? I’m wearing it like a dog collar until my hat comes.

Like that wasn’t enough, my fairy godmother then takes me into the Prada version of a Wild West store. One of those shops that smells of superiority, aged old oak and Bollinger class. The sales lady looked at my enchilada stained T -shirt and worn Levi’s with a look of amusement. Bovvered. I didn’t care because I was with my ever so glamorous and swag fairy godmother and felt like Cinderella waiting to be transformed. I hadn’t even brushed my hair and let me tell you now, my unbrushed hair ‘aint pretty. It’s like sun dried hay after a windstorm. Like I said, bovvered?

They had alligator skins an’ everythin’

Things in this shop were proper expensive. A skirt in the sale cost more than my mortgage. No matter. “Try it on,” said my fairy godmother.

“Oh you gotta have it, it’s so cute!” she declared when I trotted out in it. “And you need a cowgirl shirt…” Out came some beautifully, washed out, super-soft, denim tailored shirt with azure pearled buttons. It cost more than my council tax. It is FLIPPIN’ BEAUTIFUL and I could cry with excitement!

‘Cept I didn’t cry cos I’m now a hard ass cowgirl, right? I’m ready for the road in front of me which is looking remarkably like this:

“You’ve painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair…..Jules, are you contemplating going out somewhere?”

“Why yes I am, Sir. I’m a honky tonk woman headin’ out to a hoedown this evenin’.”

“And…”

“I’m no quitter
But I finally quit livin’ on dreams,
I’m hungry for laughter and here ever after,
I’m after whatever the other life brings”

Tonight baby, y’all can call me Jolene…